Big breaking news this morning as the University of Maryland has announced that they will switch their allegiance from the Big Ten conference to that of the SEC, effective immediately. In a hastily assembled news conference, a spokesman for the University had this to say:
"We will always honor our history with the Big Ten conference. We will miss our intense rivalries with schools such as Rutgers, Iowa, and Wisconsin. We leave the conference with undefeated records against such powers as Ohio State and Michigan. We will never forget these traditions. But it's time to embrace our bold future in the South Eastern Conference."
When reached for comment and asked for the reasoning behind the move, Maryland athletic director Kevin Anderson is quoted as saying "Dolla dolla bills, y'all!" When asked to elaborate further, he went into more detail on the decision.
"The decision to join the Big Ten would obviously bring financial stability to the Maryland athletic department. But honestly, we were thinking small time with that move. The SEC opens up all sorts of new possibilities. Why stop at bringing back all of the varsity sports that we had to cut? An indoor practice facility for football, renovations for Byrd Stadium...including luxury seats for all students...new stadiums for soccer AND lacrosse, a gilded Testudo statue in front of every dorm room, a private jet for Mark Turgeon, a 250 foot tall statue dedicated to Kevin Plank made of pure titanium, and we've hired Gary Glitter on retainer to play Rock and Roll Part II at every sporting event. We also plan on building a private training mountain on campus for our ski team." ''
"We have a ski team?" this reporter had to ask.
"We do now," director Anderson said. "And we intend on dominating the SEC."
We reached out to head football coach Randy Edsall for comment. He had this to say. "I'm just as shocked by the move as everyone. I'm just...well...hmmm...I think we'll...this means I'll....thhhhhpppppttt. I'm full of conflicted emotions right now; can you come back in a year?"
Men's basketball coach Mark Turgeon was a little more resigned to the move. "This isn't really what I signed on for," he said while letting out a deep sigh. "I mean...the SEC? I guess they've got two teams in the Final Four, but beyond that? Do they even play basketball in Arkansas? We should be guaranteed a top 3 finish every year at least!"
But not everyone was excited by the move. Leaving behind the Big Ten also means leaving behind the prestigious CIC. We went to speak with Dr. Drew Braden, chair of the physics department at the University of Maryland. We found him clutching a bottle of Makers 46 and sobbing gently into a glass. "I was this close to having my own large hadron collider...this close." Turns out that SEC bylaws prevent any athletic revenues being spent on academics.
The Big Ten also reached out to us to express their regret at the end of the relationship. "For so many years I...I mean we, worked so hard to make this dream a reality," said spokesman Bran Bomen through choked back tears. "And to have it all taken away from me on the eve of our glorious union? [Expletive] SEC."
Clearly the University is embarking on a bold new future. With the likes of Alabama, Auburn, LSU, and Florida on the slate, Maryland football faces a tough uphill climb. How will we compete against these juggernauts? How will we fit in culturally? How can we abandon over a year's worth of anticipation in joining the B1G? Can we use the revenue to clone an entire team of Stefon Diggses? I reference you back to Athletic Director Anderson.
"Dolla dolla bills, y'all!, and have a Happy April Fool's Day!"