When a North Carolina court announced that the ACC's lawsuit against Maryland would be allowed to continue, I got to thinking about how we could put a fun spin on this otherwise static and so far boring lawsuit. What if our favorite, fictional judges were presiding over the case? Who would be the best fictional judge for the ACC? What about Maryland? And which judge would provide the most entertainment for both sides? We take a look...
Judge Chamberlain Haller (from "My Cousin Vinny")
Side favored: The ACC
Reason for bias: Judge Haller is a no-nonsense southern Judge who wants the attorneys in his courtroom to be dressed appropriately. He probably wouldn't enjoy seeing President Wallace Loh waltzing into his courtroom wearing a Maryland flag-themed suit made by Under Armour.
Starring: University of Maryland President Wallace Loh as Joe Pesci (Vinny)
Scene: President Wallace Loh representing Maryland, enters the courtroom wearing a Maryland Pride business suit.
Judge Haller: Mr. Loh, are you mocking me with that outfit?
Loh: Mocking you? No, I'm not mocking you, Judge.
Judge Haller: Then explain that...outfit.
Loh: I bought a suit. You've seen it. Now it's covered in tar and sweet tea. Greensboro doesn't have a one-hour cleaners. So I had to buy a new suit. Except the only thing in Greensboro is the Coliseum. Do you get that? They hold the ACC tournament here almost every year,yet there ain't nothing else here. So I had to call Under Armour and have them make me a new suit. So it's either wear the Maryland Pride jersey, which I know you hate, or this. So I wore this...ridiculous thing...for you.
Judge Haller: Are you on drugs?
You know Haller would instantly rule in favor of the ACC, while repeatedly asking if a "utes" is the same thing as a terrapin.
Judge Julius Alexander Randolph (from "A Few Good Men")
Side favored: Maryland
Reason for bias: Judge Randolph appreciates the respect he receives from former Army AD Kevin Anderson as well as from Mr. Military, Randy Edsall.
Starring: University of Maryland President Wallace Loh as Tom Cruise (Lt. Kaffee), ACC Commissioner John Swofford as Jack Nicholson (Col. Jessup)
Scene: Just picture John Swofford on the stand, being asked questions about Maryland leaving the ACC, why they needed a Grant of Rights Agreement if the exit fee was valid, and why the ACC is withholding Maryland's conference revenue...
Loh: If the ACC's exit fee is binding, why did you order all remaining ACC schools to enter into a Grant of Rights agreement?
Loh: The ACC withheld the revenue from Maryland and entered into the Grant of Rights agreement because you know the exit fee won't hold up and that's what you told them to do.
Loh: You cut this school loose! You know the exit fee won't hold up, you doctored emails, and you know Louisville will step in and cause no harm to the ACC. Did you order the withholding of revenue from Maryland?
Judge: You don't have to answer that, Commissioner.
Commish Swofford: I'll answer the question! You want answers?
Loh: I think I'm entitled to.
Commish Swofford: *You want answers?*
Loh: *I want the truth!*
Commish Swofford:: *You can't handle the truth!*
Commish Swofford: Wallace, we live in a world of conference expansion and those conferences have to be guarded by increasingly high exit fees. Who's gonna enforce them? You? You, Kevin Anderson? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for losing your home and home with Duke and UVA, and you curse the ACC. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the death of your rivalry games, while tragic, probably saved the conference. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saved the ACC. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at realignment parties, you want me increasing those exit fees, you need me increasing those exit fees. We use words like Tobacco Road, Carolina Bias and Bojangles. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending our southern bias. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a school who is trying to leave and cause the conference to collapse under the blanket of the exceptionally high exit fee that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I withhold revenue from you. I would rather you just said thank you, and cashed your giant oversized Big Ten check, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you start direct depositing a portion of your B1G revenue into my bank account. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
Loh: Did you order the withholding of conference revenue!
Commish Swofford: I did the job I...
Loh: *Did you order the withholding?*
Commish Swofford: *You're Goddamn right I did!*
Mock Trial, with Judge Reinhold (Arrested Development)
Side favored: Toss up!
With some of the ridiculousness that's happened in this lawsuit, sometimes you wish the case could just be decided by Judge Reinhold from Arrested Development.
"Well, it looks like we have a mistrial. On the bright side, we also have a Hung jury! Hit it!"
Honorable mention judges: Judge Harold T. Stone (Night Court), Judge Elihu Smails (Caddyshack), Judge Philip Banks (Fresh Prince), and Judge Constance Harm (The Simpsons).